I started my day crying. Thought I would be swamped in despair all day, but I wasn’t. The sun made an appearance this afternoon and I realized as I worked on an art project, I’d given up the gloominess with which I began this morning. I’m grateful it didn’t last.

My middle son who shares home with me has been very volatile lately. His moods come out in a second, no warning, he’s yelling in my face. And then a short while later he’ll be in his room and I hear him chuckling. That little sucker; making me upset as easy as pushing a button, and then he gets over it as quickly as a summer rain, while I’m fuming.

So many emotions. Unravelling

I’m starting a support group and hope to get as much out of it as the other participants, even though I’ll be the leader. I need it. Sometimes I’m so off balance. Tonight I went for an extra long walk, found myself really chugging up the hills. At least now I’m too tired for any strenuous emotions.

Hopefully  I’ll sleep well tonight. But if I wake, I lay my head on the pillow my grandson used when he used to stay over, and I fall back to sleep pretty quickly. Without letting myself get drawn into more emotions I’ll just say my grandson was withdrawn from our lives and this adds another layer of pain and grief that I carry around with me.

For tonight I’m playing some solitaire, then off to read my novel in bed before sleep. Everything else is put away. It’s all I can do today.


On Friday, day 6 of my week  I felt off-balance in a major way, and as if those 6 days had lasted a month or longer, with all the stress  and intensity possible in a busy modern life filled with responsibilities. [We start our week Sunday, after our Sabbath on Saturday.] I dared to take my mechanic to small claims court, which was Monday.  Not because he’s a bully and treated me to the greatest display of misogyny [woman-hating]  I’ve ever personally experienced. No, it was because I was e-vint.com.free023convinced the repair job he’d completed with a 15% increase over the “estimate” [that I saw as a verbal contract between us] did not resolve the issue which plagued my car.

I lost. My alternate mechanic who finally fixed my car successfully, could not make it and I  had not hired a lawyer. The dramatics of the “show and tell” and the mechanic repeatedly giving my car one more year of age than it has yet earned, and his heart-rending plea of the magistrate to “please may I go wash my hands of the grease and oil?” all led to the final conclusion; I’d not proven my case, so that  I now owe him even more money.

I can’t figure it out. How do bullies live with themselves? But that’s a whole story into itself. The next day, Tuesday,  I went to work- a long day.  Wednesday; a showing of my house, now on the market for the 3rd year. Let me explain. The first 2 years the realtor had the most lackluster performance, one of those hindsight things. If I placed a notice on Craigslist of an Open House, we were besieged. If I forgot or life got in the way, we were not. Never had anything close to an offer in those 2 years. So this year for the first month and a half I employed a researched strategy to sell it myself. After that time I signed with a realtor I felt had the most positive outlook, and “can do” spirit only surpassed by one other person I’ve known in my lifetime. This showing resulted in an offer the next morning. Did I mention I’d spent 3 hours cleaning a house that has few furnishings, and routinely kept tidy? All this 5 days after it hit the Multiple Listing Service. By Friday night most forms signed, dated, and initialed.

Five days of living through an intense low spot and a most intense high spot. That’s Unravellingabout when I began experiencing a spectacular case of Unbalanced-ness or living in The Twilight Zone as has ever invaded my life. I went for an extra swim and couldn’t stay in my lane, or make my brain rest from all the thoughts swirling around, looping though, driving me batty. So much for my exercise/meditation regimen.  I sat on the sofa, watching programs and knitting — and today ripped out all that horrible knitting. I felt lethargic, left dirty dishes in the sink for some invisible person to wash and have yet to go through my work e-mails from mid-week. Yesterday Nato and I went to the movies and lost ourselves for several hours in fantasy land. We then went to the library for more escape. Today I must mow the lawn and finally read those e-mails, but I’m feeling more in tune. I’ve been able to make several pages of notes and lists for the grand process of moving our household several states away with only a month’s notice and that’s if all goes as hoped. The sun is shining, a breeze coming in through the screen door and left over birthday cake and ice cream to keep up spirits.

My recipe for Lack of Balance in my life is to take a day off, get some exercise, peace-armsfind some little treats for myself [and my son who shares my home] which includes HUGS and more HUGS, and remember above all; this too shall pass. I don’t allow myself to feel guilty for that time off, it’s as necessary for my mental health and well-being as today’s cake/ice cream. If I needed 2 days I’d tell myself; Okay, here’s a new day, if you need it for rest and renewal then take it and then GET BACK to your life.  Ultimately, for me, it’s all about balance. “Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on.”   Go and read the whole of poet Mary Oliver’s The Wild Geese.

One last quote; “Not all who wander are lost.” I truly believe sometimes we can meander off path a bit in order to get back to where we need to be.