Ever have a terrible start to the day? Here’s what happened this morning;
My art studio is packed in hopeful expectation of our move. In the meantime one of the retail outlets selling my cards, is in need of more cards. I thought I would … just stop. But the impulse within me to create hasn’t stopped. So I scrounged through the 2 medium storage containers I’d left out, and yesterday managed to create 3 new cards. In fact I left them on “my” end of the dining table, so that today I could create more, of different colors and styles, hence why they were left out.
This morning I found the cards had migrated to the middle of the table, and there was a pen nearby. I knew with nothing more than intuition and knowing my son, that something had happened. Inside two of the three cards, he had written messages to family members.
Aw cute? Not really. I had spent more than the usual amount of time finding the right combination of scarce materials to create pleasing collages. I ranted and raved at him for about a minute, cried in the bathroom for 20 seconds, and then just sat in this chair for awhile, staring into space.
There have been plenty of incidents/ mistakes over the years of my life. Some I’ll own up to, and some as the result of others that have impacted me. And no matter that my mind goes to the biggest ones, like probing a sore tooth, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change my history or the events that occurred in the past.
And would I want to change my past? In my growing up years there was a television show called; The Twilight Zone.
But that’s not where I want to live. I’m present in my here and now. I own all of it; carelessness, cruelties, bad judgments, misunderstandings, etc. And mistakes. All because there is a flip side to all of these negatives.
Like two sides of a coin; like right and wrong; the other side of a mistake is some lesson. Here’s a great quote I use from time to time; “It seems necessary to completely shed the old skin before the new, brighter, stronger, more beautiful one can emerge…I never thought I’d be getting a life lesson from a snake.” Quote by Julie Ridge. I also know things don’t fall into categories easily- there are many sides to a story, a problem, a lesson.
I believe there are some occurrences in a person’s life that cannot be written off as having a “positive” side. This morning I read about a rape victim who is fighting a custody battle with the rapist/sperm donor who petitioned for his rights as the father. This is a crime that gave her a beautiful child and love, but has irrevocably tied her to a person who forced an intimate and evil act on her.
By comparison, my son’s act is very small potatoes. Easily rectified. Really. I will cut and paste- sort of- and not be completely happy with the results but do it because I want to, because I can, because ultimately it is not worth raising my blood pressure, or getting more gray hairs over this small thing.
And now I realize; it is a lesson for me. About where I expend my precious emotional energy. And about how much responsibility I take for my son’s actions- when his actions are his, and not inspired by any of my teachings or examples. Ultimately, his smaller brain size, due to Down syndrome, means a lessening of his cognitive abilities, including judgment. Sigh. Deep breath. I’m headed out for a walk to clear the cobwebs especially after letting the morning slip away from me. Nato’s out of the house with a care giver so I’ll make the most of my alone-ness.
*Top picture of new card, bottom inside of card; a love note from Nato to his sister.