I started my day crying. Thought I would be swamped in despair all day, but I wasn’t. The sun made an appearance this afternoon and I realized as I worked on an art project, I’d given up the gloominess with which I began this morning. I’m grateful it didn’t last.

My middle son who shares home with me has been very volatile lately. His moods come out in a second, no warning, he’s yelling in my face. And then a short while later he’ll be in his room and I hear him chuckling. That little sucker; making me upset as easy as pushing a button, and then he gets over it as quickly as a summer rain, while I’m fuming.

So many emotions. Unravelling

I’m starting a support group and hope to get as much out of it as the other participants, even though I’ll be the leader. I need it. Sometimes I’m so off balance. Tonight I went for an extra long walk, found myself really chugging up the hills. At least now I’m too tired for any strenuous emotions.

Hopefully  I’ll sleep well tonight. But if I wake, I lay my head on the pillow my grandson used when he used to stay over, and I fall back to sleep pretty quickly. Without letting myself get drawn into more emotions I’ll just say my grandson was withdrawn from our lives and this adds another layer of pain and grief that I carry around with me.

For tonight I’m playing some solitaire, then off to read my novel in bed before sleep. Everything else is put away. It’s all I can do today.

Do I believe in coincidences?  (Do you?) Is a coincidence a cosmic intervention? A nudge from God? Then again, does it matter? N and Bob 2009Here’s one. About 3 days after we moved here, we walked into the Health Foods store and Nate saw Bob washing dishes in the open kitchen of the deli. “My friend,” Nate said. Then Bob’s mom came over and introduced herself and I thought, “my friend.” And we all made it so.

This morning I found a note that James had read/enjoyed the post I wrote and published last night. So I went to his blog and read.   The horrible anger that  came over me in a wave when I awoke this morning was relieved by his mention of meditation. So I washed up and put down my mat, did some stretching and then sat to meditate. I remembered James’ suggestion to pose a question, but after a few seconds I decided to craft a statement with which to pin my attention. It just came to me. Out of the blue? Coincidence, divine intervention? Here it is;

I bring love in to me. Wow! Where did this come from? I believe it came from my deepest yearnings and was the cause of my anger; that someone who, by way of our L and Peggy 2009familial relationship, should love, honor, respect me but I feel, and others have observed that instead there is ridicule and judgment and game-playing.

And so, by my action I brought about another piece in the puzzle of understanding myself. I checked in to my facebook page.   I like keeping up with my children and friends, but I really like the odd bits I’ve accumulated on my page. The “coincidence” was a story with a poem, below,  that has been making the rounds for the 5+ years since Bob Perks first wrote it.

I wish you enough, by Bob Perks, 2008

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.   I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.    I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.     I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.   I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.     I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.    I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Thanks for visiting my blog. Please feel free to write to me, I get lonely.

Photos, spring 2009: Bob [left facing camera] and Nate [right].  Bob’s mom, Peggy [left] and me [r].

Last week the Art of the Day; Fortitude by Botticelli painted about 1470. An interesting look on the woman’s face and in her body language.  So I looked up the meaning and found the word only 50 or 100 years older than the painting. Based on the Random House dictionary it means; mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously. Fortitude2

What I really wanted to write about was the overwhelming anger I’ve been dealing with   of late. Where did it come from? What does it mean? I’d had a massage on a Wednesday late afternoon then a work injury the following day, which completely negated the massage. But worse this roaring anger inside me which I felt had to be leaking out like drifts of goose feathers from the smallest slit in a goose down comforter or parka. How can or should I cope with the anger, understand it and make it go away?

The poet, W.H. Auden in his poem entitled September 1, 1939 [view on poets.org] wrote;

And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die.
Ah, and what does this have to do with my anger? Fortitude, strength of character is one thing, but feeling the need to be loved can only be assuaged by… being loved. I dealt with my worry about my anger by reaching out. A very dear friend agreed to meet with me during her work break the next day. She works an hour away, so I planned to spend the afternoon in her town. First I met her and enjoyed one of her hugs. When I step away I feel warm down to my  toes. And then we talked and talked. A tear slipped out and I felt her loving gaze fortifying me, giving me strength to go on. And I know I have the strength to go on, it had just temporarily hidden away.
frugalSurprise2    I had a totally delightful time. It was a day of love Buying loaves of whole grain sourdough bread and then meeting – hugging – talking – crying with my friend. It included a trip to my favorite thrift store where I bought a pile of knitting yarn that needed a good home, and a new blouse with flowers that called to me, and books for loved ones. It was a day of love of myself, of making me strong.
Loving oneself enough to find a solution to a problem. Loving oneself enough to discover the cause  and the ways to cope with a seemingly overwhelming anger [take a kickboxing class, my friend suggested].  And spending a large portion of a day away from the daily grind of care-giving in order to care for me. One of the pearls of wisdom I learned after severe trauma from a friend; I have to be okay before I can give to my children. And so that day I made myself okay. I strengthened my walls and I shored up my defenses. I am a fort once again. With fortitude.  How about you?  How do you cope? What do you do to love yourself?
*Card shown here produced for sale by Esther’s Girls, which is me! Do not copy my unique art. Thanks.

Tuesday noon, October 5, 2010
I scrubbed the planned post. Here’s the new adenda. First a poem I want to share by Hafiz, a Sufi poet from the 1300’s. [From an old post of Chris’- see below for website.]
The small man
Builds cages for everyone
He Knows.
While the sage,
Who has to duck his head
When the moon is low,
Keeps dropping keys all night long
For the
Beautiful
Rowdy
Prisoners.

At The Art of Non-Conformity, http:// chrisguillebeau.com – Chris talks about; how our lives are interconnected, and how we have a core need to contribute instead of just consume. Okay why the poem and all the rest? An incident in my life last couple days sent me askew for a brief time. I found myself in a past world consisting then of hurt, pain, self-recriminations and unhappiness, uncertainty. I’m attempting to right my world and do so without the anger I’ve found so easily available. And also to make sure I don’t become a cage-building small person by resorting to the type of action that inspired this whole thing. I did take action. I am okay with what I chose. Best I can do.
Now about that anger. In the collage is a brief saying by Buddha: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Right.
Nothing profound left to say. I’ll leave you with another image. I’ve cleaned out at least half the garden and am eating lots of late blooming cherry tomatoes. Cleaning heat vents, etc, to get the house ready for turning on the heat, and finding I want hot tea, often. So an old photo of a crazy quilt square I made and then used in a barter. I still have the tea kettle. It is not shiny looking now. But it has a purpose and a home with me.