Tuesday 4th of May, 2010
I guess I have a similar amount of frustrations that other parents who’ve raised their disabled child have experienced. I can take on guilt over the fact that he likes to keep busy and I can’t always find enough activities. On the other hand, when my son’s bored he’ll pick a little hole in something; a sock, the edge of the throw rug, or pull a line of stitching off his mattress. The latest; pulling library stickers off library material- this is entirely his inspiration. And it’s the sticker incident that has reinforced how narrow-minded some people are at their core.
While the library is charging us $2. per item to replace the stickers, they’ve also sent a letter saying he is banned for life, from the local public library. I’ve imposed consequences. The
worst? He was not allowed to go to the library to surf the Internet, his best-loved activity. The “crime” occurred a couple months ago. I’ve finally begun taking him to other libraries to use the computer. Three weeks ago I started allowing him to borrow 2 items on my card- his card is still blocked due to fines.
This morning I found he’d pulled off two stickers, that look like large shiny return address labels. I lost my cool. We’ve been arguing ever since. He thinks life should just proceed as usual. I want him to stop this behavior, and nothing I’ve tried has worked. Last week another birthday brought me closer to my 6th decade of life, and my patience level is definitely decreasing.
After 6 years I can still touch the feelings of betrayal when a doctor used fear tactics to persuade me to sign off on major surgery that changed my life in no positive fashion. Through both betrayal and selfishness by my former husband I have spent the last 16 years raising our children by myself, and driving myself crazy with yearnings for a life that I STILL do not own.
I want what I don’t have; a caring mate who can hug away, joke away, help solve the difficult times like today. Here is the core problem. I cannot do it all, but then I never wanted to do it all.
The high I experienced only 3 days ago at the opening of a juried art show in which my works were on public display and sale, has been eclipsed by this stupid little humiliation. I cannot control my son’s destructive habit. I am and am not responsible, but I am the only one here who will get called on to explain, deal with, pay for, clean up the problem. Sometimes life’s lows really suck after such a stupendous high- an almost life I can’t quite hold onto – for long.
Joy and woe are woven fine, A clothing for the soul divine. – William Blake