Friday, 4th December, 2009
Getting close to the end of the calendar year. I prefer to mark time by the Jewish calendar, which follows the cycles of the moon. But it seems I’ve been on the time/tide of depression more than anything else.
(photo on right; creating the g-d box.) When I went for therapy I found the therapist inadequate. Insulting. She was sure she knew me from the facts elicited during the (deadly dull) “clinical interview.” Sheesh. Digging into work helps. The next few days I have two shows, two holidays to work on, one volunteer stint of 3 hours at the art gallery, and a show next week.
Made time this morning to walk down to the university (10 minutes in biting cold, no we’re not in North Carolina any longer) to appointment. This college would accept 90 of the 108 credits I’ve amassed–toward a bachelor’s degree. Most of what I learned today could have occurred online, or by telephone. So I got exercise! Oh, and found out that the governor’s action to balance the state budget resulted in a cut to financial aid to low income students in Iowa. Nice. Other fact I learned; I’d need to take loans to “complete your financial aid package.” As if I didn’t have enough debt right now to last me awhile. (Photo #2 on left: three boxes, finished, yippee!)
So, to the headline; inner work. One of the 4-5 things that come regularly in my e-mail box is the newsletter by from Australia, with timely, informative articles on health, green, craft, food, spirituality. (Photo right, “treasure” boxes my college son and I made together, fun.) An August 19th article by Deepak Chopra; Letting Go Emotionally spoke to me, as if written with me in mind. “Painful emotions don’t come back for external reasons. They return because they are part of you; you created them before pushing them away. Every emotion you experience is yours. We all make the mistake of believing that something “out there” makes us afraid, angry, depressed, anxious, and so on. In truth events “out there” are only triggers. The cause of every emotion is “in here,” which means that inner work can heal it.” hmmm…
As I’ve been cogitating on this difficult “inner work” I found this on a blog about (romance) author Pam Rosenthal; “There’s something heroic about resilience, and not that many authors take advantage of that, at least when it comes to heroines.”
I see myself as a resilient woman, maybe because I’m willing to do the inner work. And outer work – earning money, healing, being all that I’m capable, learning, teaching…and the sum is that I am a hero to myself. I’m still here despite being alone, without hugs, kisses, or security of being part of a couple. I raised my children alone for 15 years. And I’ve finally accepted that I continue to care for my middle son alone,all the time. Period. I also know that this interlude in un- romantic Iowa is a short-term one, we must be here for a reason or four, and whatever; I’m on the path I am on. A few years back I asked my friend Sherrie; When will all this end? (Meaning the pain of learning and re-learning how to cope with unhappy, unreal, awfulness in our lives.) She replied; If we’re lucky, when we’re dead. Why? Because the struggle helps to define us, teach us, hone us, and living things are not supposed to be static. (Last picture, left; a son, a daughter, a grandson, the mountains in Montana, June ’09.) Be well my readers. May your struggles be more gentle.