Sunday 15th March 2009

For the second time this month I have a block of  3 and a half hours completely free, because we now have “respite.” Nathan is off with some other adults with disabilities. A local college is having their St. Patty’s Day celebration today and that’s where they went.

I’m home, overwhelmed by all the choices and therefore can’t seem to do anything but read. It’s a darn good story I’m reading, but I really want this time to have meaning. So that later I can say; I got this, this and this accomplished.

Here are my choices; work on my romance novel that’s almost done, work on the nonfiction book I’m writing about Nate, stitch together the latest cards I’ve created (a set of 8 bridal cards, a new venture for me). I could work on decorating the new thing I bought to display my handmade journals at craft shows. It’s made of cardboard which I like a lot, remembering how I had no choice but put a metal card rack out on the curb when after one usage it broke and could not be fixed, at least by me. Horror of horrors I realized it was made in China and probably coated with lead based paint too. Sigh, what a heavy burden is a conscience! So I left it in hopes someone would treasure my cast-off before the trash truck arrived.

One hour of my respite time is gone, and I still haven’t made a choice. Maybe I can allow myself to be indecisive for now, my time heavily leans the other way, making decisions for both Nate and I, ALL most of the time. No, ALL the time was correct.

I think once he is back home, with several more hours of daylight left and the mild-ish temperature today, I’ll finally try to rake the gravel off my front lawn and into the spot where the “pad” or square of sidewalk used to be before it was dug up in the deep of winter to repair the broken water pipe. Having moved into the house at the end of September, I never got around to planting two bags of bulbs. A few days ago I put them in the freezer, so now ready or not they are going into the ground.

Okay that’s what I’ll do. Futz around on the computer, eat some more chocolate, read this great story, and do something useful once my son returns home.

This solitary, quiet life I lead is filled with lots of activities I enjoy and many others I do for Nate’s welfare or happiness. As I’ve gotten older I realize the time I can sit unwind and not work toward accomplishing some goal is just as precious as any other time and task in my life. This is what I love most about my life; the new understandings I glean about me and what I need or have energy to do and not do. It’s all a balancing act, reminding me of the see-saw in those dangerous playgrounds we used when I was a kid in the dark ages! Ha-ha.